The Ultimate Guide To Killing It As A Fresher In A Nigerian Public University – Greatest African Students
First off, yes. It is a crime to be a student in a Nigerian public university. Like, what were you thinking? Have all the abroad schools finished? How about the private Universities in the country? And of all the things to be in a Naija Uni, you chose ‘Student’. And not just any type of student, but a fresher! You didn’t see ‘Lecturer’, ‘Senior lecturer’, ‘VC’, or ‘Janitor’.
Maybe we should blame your parents. When their mates were busy running for political offices and diverting our money, they were going to church and buying newspapers. Now you’re here, not Oxford. But no wahala. It’s okay. We are not here to pity you. We are here with a very effective solution. And we call it “The Ultimate Guide to Killing It as a Fresher in a Naija Uni.”
GUIDE 1: Never look like a fresher.
Don’t even think about it.
Here’s how you know them: they are either too overdressed like it’s the first time they are getting the opportunity to wear their Christmas clothes. Or they are too underdressed, as though a little dress-up would taint their GP. They are either always in a hurry like they know where they’re going, or always standing around like tadpoles out of water, out of place. Then they are always too enthusiastic to follow rules, even when they do not understand what they really mean. As long as it means that they will graduate.
If you want to be a no-nonsense student with your lecturers in your pocket, I repeat, never look like a Fresher.
GUIDE 2: Never walk to class. Freshers do. You don’t.
Freshers don’t only walk to class. They run! But you. You want to create an impression of a class higher than your peers. So, come in a car, even if you have to borrow, or buy the shuttle man two bottles of Heineken so that he goes a little further than the last bus-stop to drop you off at your department.
GUIDE 3: Make sure to arrive 45 mins after the lecture has begun.
And don’t be quiet. Beep and honk and blow the horn of the car you come in before killing the engine. Or you can gift the driver another bottle of Heineken to do it for you. And make sure his car horn and the judgment day trumpet are competing for “Loudest on the Block”. I mean, people should know you’ve arrived.
GUIDE 4: If you’re turned back at the door because you’re late, bounce.
You’ll see some of your fellow late-coming fresher-classmates outside looking like somebody just ripped their liver out, and your heart will skip a sec. However, maintain your poise and bounce. You and they are not on the same level. Whatever you do, never beg. Begging is not cool. It will be the beginning of your downfall. You don’t want to become worse than a fresher, do you?
The first thing to learn on getting into a Nigerian Uni is this: Image is Everything. So, you may consider this your personal branding guide as a Fresher in a Nigerian public university. You are welcome. Please, do mention.
Rosemary Kasiobi Nwadike
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