The proper Naija University is a fine collection of several…for want of words, human beans. You know how there are black beans, brown beans, kidney beans, and the more normal-looking ones we call ‘Patasko’…right? That’s how you have a diverse category of people in Nigerian Universities. Among these categories, there are the ones that are always recurrent. And there is no way you could do your four, five, or six years in the university without meeting any of them:
1. The tag-along, tie-die, ride-die, till-death-do-us-part, we-die-here friend:
This is the friend that will NOT be found anywhere without you; class, library, suya stand, room, even the toilet. Yes, even the toilet. Because, to them, if there’s room for one, then there’s also room for two.
2. The all-time standby friend:
Surely, you must have encountered that one friend that is always on standby for signing your attendance when you’re too late or absent. Without this person, you probably wouldn’t have sat for half your exams in school. Some GenZs in some private universities might not be able to relate to this because they are now being pampered with biometric attendance.
3. The front-bencher that you always pity when the results show:
It’s not even because all the other front-benchers outperform them. It’s because even the council-of-backseaters also perform way better than they do. E come be like say life really no balance.
4. That one serious student that no test favours:
Through these ones, we begin to believe that, indeed, village people are real. The problem is that she (why it’s always a she is a good research question) will attend all the study groups and night classes, only to end up with a “D” in tests or even exams. Then you will hear them screaming, “Jeeeeezuz, not again! Jeeeeezuz! You cannot fail me!” It’s how they don’t know how to grieve in private. I mean, aren’t we all grieving? Aren’t we all Nigerians?
5. That one annoying smarty-pants that whines you till you feel like nobody actually wrote well in the exam:
They will come out of the exam hall complaining about every question and telling anyone that cares to listen that they are sure that no one would do well in the exam. Until the results show and you realise say na only you waka come. And, guess what! They always smash an A. For every A this person gets, their intestines should be shortened an inch for misleading the masses. What wickedness!
Rosemary Kasiobi Nwadike
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