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A new generation of men exist these days: quite different to their parents and grand parents and yet unique in their own way. They are still as protective of their women folk as ever and the main route to their hearts is still through their stomachs. They are still the hunter-gatherers in that they provide for their families, but still forget to put the toilet seat down or avoid getting the bathroom floor wet after a bath.

Yet, our new men have some new traits. I have come to discover that men (by that I mean my man) have a unique way of seeking attention. There is a name for it and in the UK it is known as ‘Man Flu’. It is a unique form of aliment that new men get and I bet many women reading this have noticed this new condition.

‘Man Flu’ is a condition shared by all males wherein a common illness (usually a mild cold) is presented by the man as life-threatening. This is also known as ‘Fishing for Sympathy’ or ‘Chronic Exaggeration’. When the patient is your boyfriend or husband, he will exhibit the standard symptoms (such as an overwhelming desire for compassion) while simultaneously rejecting any and all efforts you make to placate him.

Sound familiar? Let’s look at some examples:

My other half ate some dodgy food at a party a while ago and had an upset stomach. Within hours he was curled up in a ball under covers on the bed. I have seen my kids go through bouts of upset tummies without blinking an eye. Naturally, I found my hubby clutching his stomach and panting as if he was about to have a seizure. When I didn’t pay enough attention to his condition, he jumped up and ran to the bathroom and threw up his food for good measure.

Really? I wasn’t convinced but I love him and I had to show some compassion so I asked if he thought we should go to the hospital. With closed eyes, he whispered yes. That was when I knew what to do. I promptly gave him some of the same medicine I use to treat the kids’ tummy bugs and I went for a nap. Later on that evening I found him in front of the TV watching football with a piece of my freshly fried chicken in one hand and a bottle of Malta Guinness in the other.

My friend had to assist her hubby to put his socks on when he sprained his back last month. He claimed he couldn’t bend in any direction. She couldn’t understand why he also had to hobble round the house as there was actually nothing wrong with his legs. However, his back was strong enough for him to sit in front of his computer for hours and sit on the couch to watch TV. The ‘poor’ man couldn’t bend to wear his trousers and asked his wife to help him. While she was doing this, her hubby suddenly had a bright idea! Surely there was something else she could help him with *wink wink*? She said she refused him. He then became very grumpy after her rebuff and his back was miraculously healed the following morning!

Some men have argued that women should not complain about man flu because it was only natural for someone to want some extra attention and cuddles when they felt a bit under the weather. Women should not take advantage of these moments of weakness to criticize men but to recognise it as a cry for attention. That might be so, but what about women?

Women go through all sorts of health issues, the most common being the one that afflicts us every month with varying degrees of pain, discomfort, mood swings and an insatiable urge to eat sweet food and/or chocolate. We don’t complain. Actually, I do a bit, but generally women just get on with things.

40 weeks after a night of unbridled passion, we find we have an uncontrollable urge to go to the loo after carrying a total of 5-8 pounds of extra weight. We bravely drive ourselves to the hospital and deliver baby number four/five or even six. We go back home after a few days like nothing happened, and continue looking after everyone and new baby while we silently wait for our bodies to recover.

We don’t get extra attention or time to relax; we sometimes don’t even get any extra cuddles. But if the man has a cold! Heaven help us!!! He will milk his snuffles so much that it becomes ridiculous. He will demand all the attention, cuddles and sympathy and claim that he is on his last legs.

Men have also counter- argued that women also have unrealistic expectations of them. In the olden days, women didn’t expect men to experience any weakness, either physical or emotional. It also meant that historically, men tended to be withdrawn and insensitive. Now we have a new generation of men who women expect to be sensitive and caring and attuned to their partner’s every need. With sensitivity, it seems, comes men’s ability to create ‘man-flu.

Whatever the reason for men developing man-flu, it is here to stay and every woman has to find a way to be able to discern fake ailments from real ones. On top of all the responsibilities a woman has, caring for a man who is pretending to be unwell for attention should not be one of them. If a man wants extra from his missus he should just ask for it. If he has been good he will get the attention and cuddles and more.
PS: Even young boys are learning fast. My son showed me, according to him, a ‘rather painful’ rugby injury 5 days after the incident, just so I could have sympathy for him after he failed an art test.

 

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Writer – Abi Adeboyejo lives in Birmingham, UK, with her two children and her fabulous man, who by the way, prefers that his wife writes down her thoughts than listening to her musings on everything.

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Dear Lover That Could Have Been,

Where should I start from? The love that could have been is years gone because of the blindness to see, or it was just not meant to be?

It all started when I was in J.S.S. 3 , I was preparing for my final exams when I met you in the classroom where I was studying. Your name is Van and we got talking after studying. You were indeed a gentle handsome man and was different from most of the guys I had encountered.

We started off by being friends and we both understood each other. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger as I entered senior secondary school since you were already there.

We were not in the same senior secondary school but we found a way of communicating; exchanging letters always, phoning and gifts. The gifts mostly were in various forms which was the expression of love (the friendship love). Being brought up in a strict Christian home, I had never been on a date before as at that time so to me it was love; the friendship kind so I thought.

You were a real charming gentleman who ruled my world. As the day grew by, we grew closer than ever. We loved to see each other and we fight, play and did almost everything together. In our friendship, the word love was used frequently but sadly, I didn’t know my best friend has fallen in love with me.

Everyone around us even our families saw us as the perfect couple but somehow we were blind to it. You were the first guy who visited me in my house although my dad didn’t want me mingling with the opposite sex. You were fearless and special to me.

I was living in a fool’s paradise because although I was so much attracted to you and would have loved to be your lover, I didn’t realized you felt the same way about me. There was so much silence because although we felt so much, we were so afraid to speak out.

You bought me a teddy bear which says I LOVE YOU and that was a perfect gift; the love bell. Yet, I didn’t realize I was in love with my best friend and vice versa.

We both attended the same university and although we still stayed friends, something strange happened.

I got a boyfriend and somehow, I felt it would hurt you, so I warned my friends not to tell you because I would like to break it to you myself. Unfortunately, my friends broke the news to you and that was the genesis of my estrangement.

You withdrew from me gradually, although I tried so hard to keep it together. You travelled out of Ghana and that was when I realized that, I broke your heart.

Your travelling sealed our fate; we couldn’t remain friends anymore.

Sometimes I still wonder,  were we meant to be together?

By FAA

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Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that all we do now is have sex. I don’t mind it, because it’s always nice. But I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss discovering and doing new things with you.

We promised each other that we wouldn’t be just about sex. We talked about life and love and we made future plans. We used to go out a lot; to new places, to old haunts, to friends’ houses, to church even. But all of that has changed now. When you see me, you want to grope me. I’m trying to make conversation and you’re trying to kiss me. I’m trying to avoid your lips and you’re squeezing my breasts – my traitor breasts. You know that once you touch them, I can barely resist, and you use this to your advantage. Every. Single. Time.

I know it means that you love my body. You say it all the time. And honestly, I’m flattered. But I want you to want me for more than my body. I don’t want to become just a physical distraction. I want to be someone you share your life with, not just your body. I want you to pour your heart out to me, not just your seed. I want to mean more to you than a warm bed.

You used to call me a million times every day. You still call me now, but not a million times. I can now count on one hand how many times you speak to me during the day. Our conversations have gotten shorter and shorter. The quiet pauses have become longer and longer. And that’s not all, they’ve become awkward too. I feel like you’re starting to get bored with me, and I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you. I miss the man who made me laugh all the time with his silly jokes. I miss the man who would drive by my office just because he wanted to see me for five minutes. I want that again.

So, perhaps if we take a sexual break, we can get that again. Maybe a sexual break will help us rediscover those things that we have in common, those things that brought us together in the first place. I don’t want to get to a point where I refuse to have sex with you – I never want to be that girl who denies her man. But this is really important to me, so I would really love for you to understand what I’m asking and to work with me on it. I promise it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I promise it will even help us get closer, which is a great thing.

I know sex is an important part of our relationship. And you are a virile man. I blush just thinking about how virile you are. But we used to cuddle a lot afterwards. We used to talk too; soft, quiet conversations. Now though, you roll away the minute we’re done, and you put a hand over your eyes, so I can’t even see what you’re thinking. Sometimes, you start to snore even and I’m left all by myself with my thoughts, wondering what’s happening to us.

I don’t think you’re sleeping with someone else. But I’m worried that you’re talking with someone else; that you’re getting your emotional ‘fix’ from a different source. And with things like that, it’s only a matter of time before it moves into the physical. I don’t want to believe that you have stopped loving me. The few times I get to look in your eyes these days, I see it still. And that’s what gives me the courage to ask this of you. Please sweetie, let us reconnect. If we go on like this, we’ll drift apart. I’d stop coming by to visit because I’d start to feel used. You’ll start to think I don’t want to be with you anymore and you’d stop caring. And that will be the end of this beautiful thing that we have.

Please don’t push me away when you hear this. Don’t become distant. Don’t punish me for trying to help us be a better couple. Don’t pick a fight. I’m not trying to be stubborn. I’m not trying to use your love for my body against you. I’m not being manipulative. I just want us to be happy; to be happier really. I hope you do to.

*I wrote this in first person because I thought it might be more relate-able. There are lots of ladies out there who are in relationships that have become overly physical and they can’t seem to get out of the rut. It can be scary to contemplate having such a conversation with your boyfriend, especially one with whom you have been for a good amount of time. It is almost always certain that the guy will take such a request out of context and maybe even move on to someone else, someone with less ‘drama’. My rule of thumb is speak your mind, always. Humans are not mind readers, men especially. If you don’t talk about what’s bothering you, he won’t know. And in speaking about it, you might find out what’s bothering him. All in all, it’s a better place to be. If you’re afraid to lose him, then this is also a good way to find out if he’s afraid to lose you. And if he’s not afraid to lose you, then he probably has options and you have no business making him your priority. Self-respect and self-love are cultivated through strength of will. The more assertive you are, the less influenced you are by people, and the more they respect you.

Please share your experience, if you’ve been in a similar situation. You might be helping someone become more assertive and learn how to love themselves more.

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As an Arts student, I had to endure several Christian Religious Knowledge (CRK) classes in my senior secondary school years. One would think that as a Christian, I would come to define the period as one of the most edifying moments of my life, but actually, if I could turn back the hands of time, I would still sleep through most of the classes again… with joy. I won’t deny that some of the classes were quite illuminating, though. One of the lessons that I found very revealing was the one on Ruth and Boaz.
As the teacher rambled on with the story on the day, I remember how astonished I was at Ruth’s audacity. A young girl who had lost the love of her life and dedicated the rest of her life in service of her mother-in-law, Ruth knew she needed stability and security for herself and the older lady (Naomi). She built up her reputation, made sure she was seen by the right people, and the moment she realized that Boaz- possibly the wealthiest man around in the area and also kind- had noticed her, she took the bull by the horns and initiated a relationship with him. In fact, theology explains that by lying down next to Boaz that night, Ruth was “symbolically proposing marriage to him.”

Although not the most iconic of stories in the Bible, I think I found the tale particularly interesting as it applied to the situation around me at the time. I was in SS3, and during that time, I was battling with feelings I had for a boy who was in SS2. I liked him and I knew he liked me too. The problem, however, was that the dude was too shy to approach me as he was not sure how I would react to the idea of “dating” a junior. In my teenage head, I thought: dating a younger guy would certainly be a case of me settling for less, but then…he was super popular and that was what really mattered. Though Ruth knew she was going to be settling, she did not wait for the guy to woo her. She went for what she wanted, opinions be damned. Initiating the romance my heart sought just made sense!

Of course, I didn’t give in to the temporary insanity. I never approached the boy, and basically, stolen glances were all I amassed in the end. My fear of being considered “too brazen” or “easy to get” was just too strong, and again, though I was only 14 then, I already knew I was the kind of woman who just had to be wooed.

A number of Nigerian women today, either out of desperation, superiority complex, feminist beliefs, or just plain obsession initiate romantic relationships and even propose to their men. I am not judging, but apparently, the era when such behavior was considered inappropriate for the women folk is far gone. The night I raised this issue with one of my very feminist friends, she said “ The worst that could happen when a girl asks a guy out is he’ll say no. And if he says no, nne, dudes have been told “no” since the establishment of dating social norms. Just like those dudes, the girl will be alright! There is no difference between the guy and the girl and even more, there is no rule that says the guy has to make the first move.”

Call me old-fashioned, but…I believe that deep down, even the most passionate feminist would rather be wooed than woo a man.
Let’s face it, all a girl has to do is drop a few hints and if the guy likes her back, he’ll most likely declare his feelings or pop the question before she blinks. Honestly, it is a safer and easier way to get to know if a guy likes you, and it cuts out the embarrassment that comes with a guy turning you down.It has nothing to do with feminism or self-confidence.
It is what it is.

Being flirty and sending signals to try to get the man to make that move surely beats a girl literally making the first move. What do you think? What is your opinion on a girl asking a guy out and/or making the first move? Is it generally a good idea or just not okay?

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Most married women have a general issue, cheating husbands. Lots of argument, discussions, and seminars have been held centred on this topic. Almost every married woman and even ladies in serious relationships are looking for a permanent solution.

It was on this note that I went on a tour, trying to find out how each woman handled her cheating husband. Need I mention, it was not easy to get them to talk but at the end of the day they yearn for a solution.

I have heard many hilarious ways women deploy just to keep their husbands in check but there is this particular story that just refused to leave my mind. So I’m going to share! (Short story below)

 

I knew he was broken, I could tell. Frank is the most exuberant human on the planet. Everything came easy to him. He was a rich man with good genes, you could say he was perfect. I never thought I’d ever see him so humbled. He was scared I would leave him, gosh! I’ve never felt so powerful!

With his head on my bosom, I consoled him, assuring him everything would be fine. I smiled inwardly. I made a mental note to call Clara to thank her again. Her idea had worked like magic. I had doctors fake my husband’s test results, always altering it before he could get a hold of it. The fake HIV test results finally gave my husband back to me.

Talk about extreme! In case you didn’t get the gist (which am sure you did), the woman in question faked HIV test results for her husband. In that way he would stop cheating and belong to her alone.

Okay don’t bite me, it’s what she came up with.  But truly what makes men cheat?

 

 

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Weddings are fun! But it can be hard for some, when they attend an ex’s wedding. Depending on how you broke up and what your relationship has been like since you broke up, the occasion may be filled with regret and envy, or you may be genuinely happy. So, if you have received an invitation to your ex-boyfriend’s wedding, should you go? Also, would you invite him to your own wedding?

We asked some random women, here are some of responses we got:

LOLA

Well, it depends on how things are between my ex and me. I am very sure my ex will invite me to his wedding, but I will not attend because I am not interested in what goes on in his life.

AINA

I would say –  if I am not in a better relationship than the one I lost, no matter how close I am to my ex, I will stay away from the wedding. I’ll feel bad and hurt when I see his bride in white and fine makeup. I will wish it was me and I’ll envy her.

FUNKE

I will attend, We ended the relationship on a good note. I don’t see it as being disrespectful to my partner because he already knows about my ex, and the reason we broke up. It is up to my ex to decide if he will attend my wedding or not. But if your current partner is not comfortable with it, don’t go o!

CHIOMA

I will not go because I broke up with all my ex-es in a fighting mode. Although I still talk with some, I don’t think I can go for their weddings.

SEUN

I will go if I am invited. I won’t feel bad or jealous. I will invite my ex as well. If he wants to come, fine. If not, fine as well. Na to rejoice with am.

SAYO

I will go the wedding because he was simply a part of my life-story. So, life goes on.

CHRISTIANAH

As for me, I don’t really like to continue communicating with any ex boyfriend. Though, there are exceptions, but really, life just go on.

SARAH

It depends on what happened between us. From my experience, I won’t invite him. Let him hear or see pictures. Whatever made him to be an ex is enough reason for him not to come in the first place. If he invites me, I won’t go. I have forgiven him and we have both moved on. So let’s keep on moving on. No grudges. Anytime we see, we will exchange pleasantries and that’s all.

PRECIOUS

If I am invited, I will surely go to celebrate him. It is too much power to give to anyone to hold me down in grudge or resentment. I think we also need to ask God for help in relating with people.

ONSO

I will feel bad and jealous, so its better I don’t attend.

JEMIMA

I don’t think I have it in mind to attend the wedding that should be mine in the first place.

MARIAM

I will not attend or invite. Not because of grudges or anything… but I just feel it would be awkward. Except if we were not really into each other in the first place.

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​Stephanie Coker  is a Nigerian on-air personality and a television presenter for MTV Base Africa and Ebony Life TV.

In a chat with Accelerate TV, Stephanie who got engaged to Olumide Aderinokan in August talks about the five things she wants in a man. Now we know why she chose him!

1. Ambition
2. Manliness
3. Funny
4. Fears God
5. Family guy

Watch her explain each of these in the video below

 

​

 

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“I’m sorry, I apologise for what I did” is a simple phrase that anyone should be able to say without difficulty.

However, reverse is the case for most men who often find it hard to apologise.

Save for a minority, most women are quick to say sorry and have over time, learnt not to wait for an apology from their male partners.

Why do men find it hard to verbally apologise? Here are five reasons.

Pride

This is the most common reason men hold back apologies. Generally, men do not like to be seen as being weak enough to admit guilt.

Tendering an apology would mean acknowledging that they were wrong and this will put a dent on their ego.

Some things do not deserve an apology

Generally, women do not find it hard to apologise because they think an apology does not take so much from them.

This is different for men; to them, some things are just too inconsequential for an apology.

Actions speak louder than voice

Instead of saying “I’m sorry”, some men prefer to show their remorse by trying to please their partners.

They prefer to buy gifts and do a great deal of material-placating rather than tender a simple apology.

They want to share the blame

When one tenders an apology, the person is taking responsibility for something that went wrong.

Sometimes, a man does not want to take all the blame, he wants to share the blame so he withholds apology.

For example, when a couple disagrees and one party apologises, that person is deemed to be taking responsibility for the disagreement.

They want to avoid further blame

Women like to talk and in this age of women empowerment, a woman will take the first chance she gets at rubbing victory in a man’s face.

Add this to women that love nagging and you have the recipe for unending disagreement.

Sometimes, men do not apologise because they don’t want their partners to begin listing all the wrong things they have done in the past. They just want it to end there.

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Written by Buki Alamu

( this is not nonso shaa)
I was listening to the radio the other day and they were discussing the types of men you find in Lagos. It was an interesting topic. I can’t remember all the types of men that were discussed but one stayed with me – Nonso, the hustling hustler.

Nonso is the kind of man who takes up all kinds of odds jobs just to keep up lifestyle and appearances. Any vocation becomes his job and he is convinced he is making an honest living.

Honest, maybe but I doubt it’s sustainable. And it reminded me of how my father saved me from marrying such a man. Oh well, not that I would have anyway. I wasn’t looking at it from the unsettling hustling routine angle but from the angle that I didn’t even like the guy enough to claim to be in a relationship with him. I remember he was also so proud to show me off to his circle of friends who didn’t have a stable source of income like him. Whenever I was out of the country, he would deliberately call me when his friends were there just to convince them his girlfriend was in London or America. That wasn’t attractive at all. It only made me want to not see him again. But you see, I had met him through a friend and I didn’t want to insult him which I would have easily done. I didn’t want to hurt from friend.

But the day my father, while having a Saturday gist, asked me if I was seeing anyone and I explained to him in an uninterested tone, he wanted to understand what the problem was. I told him what ‘Nonso’ had claimed to be doing and he was so scared he said, thank God you are not interested. Cut the ties. That was easy for me to do, even easier to have as excuse for my friend who had introduced us.

Really, how does a man live on circumstantial living and hope to settle down with a decent woman? Those you slave in the offices still have their bad financial situations, talk less of mediocre hustling?

Seriously Nonso, get a life!

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5 Naija Women Tell Us How They Moved On After A Heart Wrenching Breakup

Moving on after a breakup, especially with a man that a woman loves can be very difficult. For some ladies, it takes them days to get over it, while it may take months or years for others.

Meanwhile, it may be so hard for some women that they never get over it. 5 women share their breakup experiences and how they moved on with us.


AYOMIDE

I dated a guy while in school. We were so in love that some people called me by his name. Meanwhile, at a time, I started suspecting he was dating the younger sister of a hostel mate who came on a visit, but he always denied it.

However, I got to his room one day to see them panting seriously as they scrambled to their feet on sighting me. I was so shocked and heartbroken.

I went back to my hostel and cried my heart out. Moving on wasn’t so easy as people who knew us together were still calling me by his name even after we broke up. It was until after he graduated that I really got over him.

NINA

Breaking up with a doctor guy I dated was sudden and unexpected because we were friends for almost a year before we started dating. It was after a misunderstanding that he told me he was no longer interested. I begged and cried, telling him we could resolve it amicably but he said no.

The most painful thing he did was deleting me on BBM, 12 hours after he broke up with me. It was like a dream and I didn’t believe he could do that. Eventually, I realized we were done when I called him later that week and he said ‘who is this?’

Moving on was so difficult because I really loved this guy. It got to a stage that I started blaming God for not stopping me from dating him, (I know blaming God was stupid but when you are in such situations, you do and say stupid things).


ANGELA

I always cry inside of me anytime I think about Victor because I dated him for 7 years when he had nothing. Some years later I got to know he was married with two children. All the while when we were together, he never told me anything.

It was so painful that I almost called his wife to tell her about us but I realized it may break their home.

Moving on was really difficult because I thought we were going to be married as things started to get better for him. I don’t even think I’ve moved on sef, I think I’ll be fine when I get married because thinking about that experience makes me angry.


ANJOLAOLUWA

I didn’t like Deji when I first met him but after some time when he asked me out, I learnt he was a nice person. After about two months, Deji called me to say his spirit said we can’t be together. When he told me, it was like I didn’t hear well.

His sisters and aunty who later called me said they were surprised Deji had broken up with me as I was the first lady he introduced to them.

Moving on wouldn’t have been difficult if it was not when I started loving him that he broke up with me.

ROSE

When my stupid ex-boyfriend traveled to Malaysia, he broke up with me. The stupid guy is now calling to tell me that he would have sent me the picture of the girl he’s dating now because his father needs a grandchild but he is scared of me.

Sincerely, I loved this guy and I was yet to get over him until he called me yesterday to tell me that rubbish. With this call, omo, I have moved on. I even warned him never to call me again.

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