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Dear Mama

Behind the facade of our daily tiffs, beneath the moments we do not see eye to eye, and though I pretend sometimes not to get your points, I have come to recognize your noble intentions: to raise good daughters of stellar character. And in this I shall liken you to a gardener tending her plants with fevered care, turning the rich loam, plucking out weeds and watering the soil.
You toil away with furrowed brows, with an attention that does not waver in rain and in shine. A dutiful gardener glories in the flourishing of her plants; she stands aside with pride and observes the lush greenery and says to herself, look what my hands have made; my labour of love was not in vain.

This also holds true for every woman who has donned the garb of motherhood; just as a gardener, she is judged harshly or kindly by how well the fruits of her womb fare in a world so contrary. But you need not fear, for even when we leave your presence, your words keep tending us. It is your voice we hear behind our ears urging us to pull ourselves up when the weight of the world has toppled our weary frame. It is your words that steer our feet away from that which would mar eventually, though it entices for a moment.

Yesterday I overheard my neighbour rebuke her teenage daughter after she, the daughter, had broken the nth tumbler in a week. What would I do with you? She said. Is this how you will break all the things in your husband’s house? Though I chuckled at the familiarity of those words, it stirred a debate in my mind. My neighbour’s rebuke sounded like your favourite maxim: Men want assets not liabilities. You said this to me by way of correction when I showed slackness in my ways or moments when I wanted to eschew work and get things done through a shorter route. Men want assets not liabilities, you’d say tugging at your earlobe. You are not the only one I hear this from. I hear it from the preachers’ pulpit at the delivery of an impassioned sermon, I hear it from the motivational speakers’ podium when an audience is urged to up its ante, I hear it from kitchen gossips of aunties, I hear it when I am at play with my friends. It is also there in the movies, when the wealthy prince picks the industrious banana hawker over the slay queen with acrylic nails, and some passersby on their way to the stream, deliver the didactic punch line: men want assets not liabilities.

All maxims such as this hold an underlying truth, but only with a side eye squint do you see how flawed and tilted its notion is. Have you noticed that most rebuke and chastisement given to daughters end with how the mishap would augur ill with men? “Do not do that; no man wants it. Do not be untidy, make your bed; men do not like scruffy women. Learn to cook better; men like good cooks. Go to school get a job; men like educated, hardworking women.” And in this way a daughter is raised with a chorus of what men like, what men want, what men prefer. It’s similar to what Margaret Atwood called fulfilling the male fantasy.

Wouldn’t it be better you showed me how my decision would better me or negate me without constantly holding it up under the light of male approval? I too, as much as you dream, want to be an asset. I want to contribute meaningfully to life, to say this thing became better because I was involved, to look at someone and know that a decision or an action of mine would light the path for him. But when my actions are viewed through the lens of the male gaze, I am raised to forget that there is no one else to give account for than myself; I am raised to hinge my life on societal approval, a thing too ephemeral and shaky to build one’s life on.

In your days men preferred the fleshy woman to the slim woman. That explained the existence of fattening rooms. Girls went into those rooms skinny and came out plump. No one wanted a bonga fish for a wife. Fast forward to 2001 when Agbani Darego became most beautiful girl in the world and a preference for slimmer women became de rigueur, somewhat ending the reign of the fleshy woman. There was also a time housewives were preferred to working women; men wanted women who minded the home solely without the encumbrances of a day job. But since the recent economic crunch, a working woman is much more eligible than one who holds no job. Gainfully employed women would augment and aid in financial responsibilities at home.

But with each revised preference, what have your daughters become? Clowns miming to the whims of society under the guise of living up to the male gaze? Objects constantly adjusting their positions to fit into the vision of society? Wouldn’t it be better if we went to school because education gave us the advantage? Worked good jobs because we ought to make a living? What if we were raised to exist fully without the constant ring of living up to a man’s gaze?

Every wise person is drawn to assets, people who would add value to their ventures. Every employer wants a remarkable employee who would bring something of worth to the table. This is a given. Even the loafer is not left out; he wants an asset in a woman form. Stories abound of industrious women shagging it up with very prodigal men. All of the world hungers for valuable people.

But I’d rather I live the highest version of myself with nobler intentions beyond eligibility, without bothering to lower my value or become who I am not just because I seek to sit well with men, society, anyone.

Your Daughter.


Credit: Ucheoma Onwutuebe

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Olamide and Aisha Craig are UK based Nigerian couple who have created an online dating platform for Nigerians at home and abroad called SuruLereLove. Olamide is a medical doctor and pastor and is a BellaNaija contyributor. Aisha is a banker and a health and wellness enthusiast and together, they are passionate about building love and relationships.

In anticipation of the launch of SuruLereLove on November 30th, the couple are sharing with BellaNaija, what the platform is about and how their plans for it.

“Sùúrù l èrè is a Yoruba phrase. Sùúrù means patience, èrè means reward and Surulere means “Patience is not without its rewards” or “Patience will yield its fruit”. It is from this ancient traditional wisdom that we have distilled the words of our brand. At SuruLerelove we truly believe that “you can’t rush something you want to last forever!” and we know that all good relationships take time and patience to develop. That is why we chose to use patience to encapsulate the ethos of our corporate identity,” they said.

On how the platform is different, the couple says that that “unlike other dating sites where sexual attraction and instant gratification are the most important criteria for choosing a mate, members of SuruLereLove fill out a detailed personality profile and a comprehensive list of preferred characteristics which is used to match them with the most suitable and eligible singles.”

The couple says the platform is not a Christian dating site and is open to everyone regardless of their religion, ethnicity or creed. “The principles of good practice one can expect from true Christians will continue to govern our platform,” they added.

What it takes to join:
It’s free. No cost whatsoever. Everyone who signs up is automatically assigned our complimentary welcome plan. We have set the duration at 6 months in the first instance, and users can request for this to be refreshed at the end of this period should they require. We have a few paid subscription packages, but will not be rolling these out until much later, at the end of the year 2018.


On Whether Nigeria is ready for Online Dating:

Nigeria already has online dating. People have been finding love online via Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for years, (and MySpace and Hi5 before that). What SuruLereLove hopes to do is to eliminate the guess work. On social media, there are millions of users who are on these platforms for various reasons; they are online looking for business, news, entertainment etc. On our platform all the users have signed up because they are looking for exactly the same thing, Lifelong love! This way you know that your advances would be met with at least curiosity and not repulsion.

How SuruLereLove hopes to expand a user’s social circles:
Surulerelove was created to introduce people and start relationships. Our primary market is the Nigerian community at home and in the diasporas and our goal is to foster “life long love”. We have chosen three broad strategies with which to execute this.

First is to introduce Nigerians in Nigeria to other Nigerians living in Nigeria. This will appeal to busy professionals who may find it hard to make time to date the traditional way, or members whose social circles are too small for desired mate selection, or who have very specific/niche dating pools (i.e Fitness, Star Wars fans, Single parents).

This member has exhausted potential mates from within their existing reach and is looking to expand this further afield. Next we hope to introduce Nigerians in the diaspora who are looking to marry from the home land to other eligible singles that live in Nigeria and abroad.

Launch Date & How to Sign up:
To sign up, users will create an account and fill out a user profile. Our sign up process is a bit more detailed than most conventional dating sites, but we feel that this was necessary to extract a fair amount of information and help our users eliminate the guess work that can often make online dating tedious and cumbersome.

The official launch date is Thursday 30th of November 2017 and the sign up link will be posted on BellaNaija as well as across all their social media platforms @SuruLereLove.

 

 

 

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My name is Nene. I want to share my story with you. My love story actually. I was one of the few teens who don’t believe in true love. I was a true fan of Zee world movies, Telemundo and all of those Bollywood movies always concerned about love. I watch them only to adopt the principle of love realism not the philosophy of true love. My mum didn't even help matters, always telling us that the depicted moments and scenes were all false, that the cast were only doing their job. I don't know but I think my mindset followed suit.

I had a crush then or rather one who was crushing on me. Then, I can't tell the type of coincidence that makes the boy to always buy from my mom's shop whenever she's away. It was a coincidence to me then but it was later in life that I realized it was stalking. Poor me! My kid sis once told me that she likes him only for the reason that he never bargains for the price of any item he wants to buy. If only she knew why...Lol.

At the University of Nigeria, Enugu Campus where I gained admission in 2010 after my second sitting to study Radiology, I met crazy friends, some of whom have similar mindset. Soon, 042 Night clubs became our Night vigil venue. Trust me nah, as a smart girl, I was very careful with the boys I flirt with. I audibly let their boundaries known to them despite chopping their money. After all, Na dem wey wan spend. I wasn't a runs girl, I don't sleep around, I don't drink a much, and I wasn't bad at all. In fact, I was serious with my academics, a bookworm actually. You won't believe it when I say that I read for at least an hour after each outing. My friends respect me for that. All I was doing was just to gain knowledge of boys, the opposite sex' lifestyle so that probably when I eventually fall in love I won't be cheated on or maltreated. Useless ideology!

After my Graduation and Service to my fatherland, I was retained in the hospital where I served. During my sixth month as a staff, a young male doctor was transferred to our hospital. I met him on my return from two-week leave.

OMG! Am shy to write this. I’ve never felt that way beforehand. It was magical. I was going up the stairs the next morning to give the Junior Doctor the analysis and interpretation of a radiograph result belonging to one tibia-fractured young boy. ‘This guy’ was coming downstairs in a doctor’s coat. I greeted him in this accent I’ve been learning for weeks and bypassed. Unaware of the recent changes in the hospital, I went and knocked on Doctor Ben’s door. It was locked.

“Who is looking for me?” a masculine but romantic voice sounded. To me, it was a loud whisper. I swirled. So, this guy followed me. The silence which ensued was a kind of awkward which would have lasted for like eternity if not for the feeling of uncomfortability or was it shyness. I blurted, “Sorry, erm, erm…Am just looking for Doctor Ben to give him these, sorry do you work here?” “You are actually looking for Doctor Frank”, that voice came again. “Were you the Radiologist on leave?” He asked while unlocking the door. Yes I am. I noticed the changes in the office. It looked different, nice and a bit luxurious. Choi! This guy geh taste o. “Sir is Ben no longer in this office?” He let out a charming smile. Does this guy know he’s tormenting me?

“You know, many things happened while you were away, I was transferred to your hospital, Ben was transferred to where I came from”. I wondered why Jane, World class News broadcaster and a gossip mate of mine never told me this...ohh, she travelled! “I see, welcome”, I mumbled, “My pleasure meeting you”, He said demanding a handshake, we shook hands. “Am Nene, Frank right?” He nodded. I dropped the result on his table and ‘ran’ out… acting professional. The next day, he was in my office, we chatted for a while, exchanged numbers. We started talking on phone, Whatsapp chatting when less busy. I liked this guy, his personality, his gentility, his choice of words, awww..his handsomeness. I fell in love. The same true love I antagonized ab-ini-tio. Supposedly, our colleagues noticed us, gossips followed, who cares kwan?

A fortnight later, I was on a date with Frank. It was a Sunday evening. We were enjoying the cool evening breeze at Golden Royale Hotel, Enugu. We were at the bar, drinking and chatting. Suddenly, Frank let it out, “Nene please be my girlfriend”, his eyes pleading. I thought ‘Yes’ shouldn’t be the right answer. I told him to give me some time to have a thought on it. I was sure he knew I was just doing shakara. I eventually said YES. I told him about my feelings for him, He however told me of his crushing on me from the very first day.

We dated for three months before solemnizing our matrimonial vow at the altar of The Cathedral Church of the Good Shepherd, Independence layout, Enugu. You are invited to the Naming ceremony of our first child ‘Miss Kamso Daniels’.


About the writer

Solomon Akpa is a Young blogger and creative writer. He is currently studying Anatomy at the Enugu State University of Science and Technology

Follow him on facebook @ Solomon Akpa

 

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A mother has spoken out about how she discovered her daughter was being sexually abused by her father.

Samantha (not her real name) said she "knew in her gut" that something was wrong with her little girl, Gemma (also not real name) after her behavior began to "deteriorate" shortly after her parents split up. The couple split up when Gemma was 3 and over the next few years, her behavior deteriorated. It wasn't until the child was 9 years that she finally told her mother what her father had been doing to her. The brave mum is now sharing how she got her daughter to speak up.

Samantha said: "Gemma was a normal, happy child when she was very young but things started to change when I separated from her father when she was three years old. Gemma’s behavior continued to deteriorate over the next few years and when she was seven, I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I felt I needed to talk to her."

The concerned mother found out about the PANTS campaign which helps adults teach children that their body belongs to them and only them, and they should talk to an adult if they are upset or worried. PANTS is an acronym that where P stands for Privates are private, A is Always remember your body belongs to you, N stands for No means no, T is Talk about secrets that upset you and finally S is Speak up, someone can help.

When Gemma was nine, her mother saw the PANTS campaign online and decided to go through it with her one evening. In the process, her daughter made a shocking revelation.

"She disclosed that her father had sexually abused her. I just listened and got her to bed before contacting the police and reporting the abuse. She is ten now, she’s safe and a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. It’s been very hard."

She is now urging other parents to use PANTS to help keep their children safe.

"My advice to parents is to use the PANTS rule as early as possible. I wish I’d used it sooner. Its child friendly and uses age appropriate language," Samantha advised.

 

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He stood up at once, and crashed into the only chair in his room, the moaning and screaming replayed in his head as he settled for what would be the last paragraph to the current chapter of his book. She sat up on the soft mattress, slowly gaining energy in her legs and yawning for the need of sleep, she looked at him with eyes longing for more and asked "oh my God, who are you?"

The first day he saw words form sentences with rhythm in the name of poetry was twenty long years ago. He was just ten and aunty Nifemi, a daughter to mother's friend spent a few days with them. She had a pink diary and he sneaked into her room to get a peek at its content, Just then, she walked in and asked him "do you want to learn how to write like that?" he screamed yes knowing he wanted not just her words, not just her handwriting but the magic he saw when he opened that diary was one he wanted to recreate. "Then take off your clothes, I'll teach you even more," she said. The rest of the story with Aunty Nifemi is history, and history repeated itself all over again and again until mother's friend moved her family to South Africa.

 

Today, he sits here writing this book, a master of both arts creating magic with his pen and his penis, he has found the best way to deal with the accolades he got from the depth of pieces to shattering skirts into pieces slowly dumping the dead pieces of his heart in the moaning and the screaming. He placed a full stop at the end of the chapter just like he knew it was going to be the last time he was going to see her. By this time, she was fast asleep after he told her he won't be coming around for another round.

 

Aunty Nifemi is back in the country, and she's back with her eighteen year old fully grown daughter, her name is Pamela, he sees their picture together at the airport from few weeks ago while scrolling through the internet for his next catch. He reaches for a strange purse on his table, it belonged to the little girl he had just shown magic, her name was Pamela.

 

He jumped up at once and tapped her hard enough till she sat up once again slowly lighting up her dim eyes. The resemblance strokes him. "Oh My God, Who are you?



About the Author:

Anthony Falola is a capital analyst at a top financial institution in Nigeria by day and writer by night. He is an ardent basketball lover and loves to eat and talk when he is not writing or working. Feel free to stalk him on Instagram @anthonioclever

 

 

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It's no news that when it comes to relationship, you can never be truly "all knowing" about what to do & what not to. Life's simple, but humans are complicated. Relationship changes some people and so does Marriage. No one is above mistakes but we try to learn from them so we can do better and be better in our dealings with others. Here's 8 Mistakes most women make with men:

        We Fall In Love with Potential 

        I cannot possibly be the only one who has made this mistake. Often times we know this person isn’t good for us, but we sometimes suffer from the ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome, so we focus on what he could be. If only he was X, Y, and Z. The fantasy may be lovely, but you have to keep your head in the here and now. You could derail a relationship if you don’t keep your head and feet firmly in reality.

Keep it real. You can’t change a man who doesn’t want to change for himself. This means that you would keep holding on to fragments of him and working extra hard at the relationship and just be miserable the whole time. He would probably leave anyway, and next thing you know he is marrying someone else who either likes him the way he is. The person has decided he’s good and ready to be the best man he can be, and you wonder where you went wrong. STOP HOLDING ON TO POTENTIAL (yes, I am shouting)

 

Mistaking Lust for Love

You see that butterfly feeling you have in your tummy when you first meet them? Ermmm that’s not love, that’s common sense leaving your brain. You have seen fine man and you don’t have sense again. We often mistake a strong attraction with a guy as connection. It is not the same.

Sexual attraction is not love, it is not like. Aunty it is what it is: sexual attraction. Now what you want to do with it is up to you. You’re an adult, but just don’t go crying to your friends ‘I gave him my body soul and mind’ ‘he used me’ (I’m laughing at all these and rolling my eyes because I’ve heard them a lot of times and it’s funny)

 

Women Who Talk Too Much Syndrome

I am guilty of this. There is nothing wrong with communication. But is verbalising every feeling, mood, and annoyance communication? Communication: ‘the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing or behaviour’

Now let’s take note that the key word here is ‘exchange’. So, if all you are doing is off-loading so they can ‘listen’; then we certainly have a one-way ticket to relationship doom. Not only is the relationship an equivalent of verbal diarrhoea, but I think it drives men insane, when we feel the need to talk all the time. Look…. before you had a man, you had friends right? (Hopefully you haven’t abandoned them cause of man. If you have, shame on you). Talk to your friends, but keep the private things for your man. Do not discuss every detail of your relationship with your friends. It is not their business.

We Think Sex Can Hold Them 

Having sex with a man would not keep him in the relationship. Being open to trying all kinds of sex tricks in the book won’t keep him. If you like, swing from a chandelier during sex; it still won’t keep him if he doesn’t want to be there. Yes, men do often think with their dicks, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that catering to the dick would fix the woes. It won’t. Being great at sex won’t make a great relationship; it only makes it great sex and if he feels that something is missing whether right or wrong, he won’t graduate you from casual sex to girlfriend position.

Yes, we all want a man who knows what he wants but sometimes, we want to settle too quickly and can be subtle or too obvious about it. You want to start playing wife when you haven’t even reached girlfriend. Stop making something even before there is something. One day the man would wake up see all your tampons and pads, hair straighteners, wigs and fear would grip him (why? Because he is about to lose his freedom and he isn’t sure he is ready just yet) and he would go cold on you. Try not to need a man so desperately to feel secure and happy. Find it on your own first. We need to slow down a little and not force the hand of relationships.

Placing Everything on Them 

There was a time in your life when the current guy didn’t exist and you were still alive but suddenly he appears and you have turned him to the reason why you are breathing and living, and suddenly can’t function without him. Suddenly he is paying all your bills and sorting out all your family problems and catering to your every need and you’re not bothering with your friends anymore or doing anything for yourself. You’re a person with some level of independence; don’t ditch it because you have a man now.

 

We ‘Allow’ Too Much

As women we have the tendency of allowing too much of the wrong things. We’ll allow a guy to be unavailable, ‘too busy’ to communicate or mistreat us because he’s got a dick, money, or because we don’t feel secure enough to tell him to get lost, but we won’t allow a guy past the gates if he’s ‘too nice’. Ever heard girls tell you ‘I broke up with him because he is too nice’? I always respond with ‘common sense is not common’

 

We Love them More Than We Love Ourselves

If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect a man to love you? When you allow a man be the reason for your happiness and complete you, it implies that you’re miserable and incomplete without him. Don’t focus your energy on dubious relationships and neglecting yourself, friends and family because these species call men show you small love.

 

We Don’t Know When to Quit

Look, nobody enjoys breakups, but men in particular don’t like confrontation with women. This means they would ride the donkey (the relationship) until it collapses, whilst privately feeling very aggrieved to be ‘trapped’. Sometimes the fear of being on our own is even greater than the fear of not having a man in our life, even if he mistreats us, doesn’t actually want to be with us. We make noise about calling it off if he doesn’t do certain things, but we often don’t, giving the guy carte blanche to do what he likes. He does lose respect when he knows he can do whatever he likes and you won’t say anything.

Does any of this sound like someone you know? We have all been there at some point in our lives.

 

About the Author: Chantel Netimah is a freelance makeup artist, fashionista and HR Personnel. She is also a foodie and hangs out alot on Twitter. Feel free to stalk her on Instagram. @chantelmartha

 

 


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“Chioma love, there’s this guy that came looking for you, he said he’s Ben”. “Oh, that’s my boyfriend! She shouted excitedly. “He didn’t tell me he was coming”. Lowering my voice, I asked, “Chy, honestly who am I to you?” She was shocked. She wasn’t expecting that question already popped at her. She realized she has let the cat out of the bag. She mumbled “Emy, you are my friend nah”. “Just a friend?” I was ashamed. So monkey dey work, baboon dey chop.

Friend-zoning is a situation whereby one is a dear friend of the opposite sex, so close to him/her but not sexually-wise not even the feelings. Most helpless guys are victims of this. Below are few tips your assumed girlfriend is friend-zoning you.

She doesn’t love you: This is the main reason for this. The love is not there. Some other guy has taken her heart away and you are around gradually trying to occupy just a portion of her heart. It’s not her fault though. That you are close to her doesn’t guarantee her love.

You haven’t declared your intention: Another strong reason. What do you expect from her? She must have waited for you beforehand. You were probably not man enough to define the relationship to her. She cannot do that for you bro. Do that if you really want her. Girls no like wasting of time.

You are not her type: Most girls can go for a guy they feel for. To protect the African dignity of a woman, they don’t declare it but you could tell from certain gestures they display but when your girl doesn’t even look at you twice. It’s probably you are not her type. It may be that you are not financially ok for her or you just don’t possess the qualities she needs in a man.

It’s just not yet time: You are sure you are her only male closest friend, you can swear to that. But still confused why you are been friend-zoned. Nigga, it’s probably her decision not to have a boyfriend for the moment, probably for her previous heartbreaks. Well, reasons best known to her.

She sees you as a mate: Girls have their way of intimidating guys. You will just lose the morale of making her your babe when she only sees you as a mate, classmate, age mate, neighbor or colleague. At times, she vocally lets it out.

She’s taking advantage: Guys let’s be smart. I hate this one. You are her carpenter, her painter, her electrician, her bodyguard. That’s just the reason you guys are friends. Forget those sweet names, she doesn’t feel for you, just taking advantage.

Dearie, There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being just a friend to an opposite sex. It’s okay. But the problem lies in when they are not lovers but one partly feels they are. That’s too bad!

About the writer

Solomon Akpa is a Young blogger and creative writer. He is currently studying Anatomy at the Enugu State University of Science and Technology.

Follow him on facebook @ Solomon Akpa

 

 

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Not everyone is good with words no matter the nickname they bear, ranging from woman killer, play boy, seductive trails or s-liner. This can also reflect in the conversation that would come up during dates.

Well, self proclaimed psychologist Joro Olumofin helps Nigerian guys out by dishing out a few tips on what to do and what not to do when meeting a lady. Below are the things men shouldn’t do when meeting a Nigerian Lady on a date or for the first time according to Joro Olumofin:


                                  ·         Men shouldn’t look at their phones more than the Lady while on a date.

·         Don’t talk about your Bank account or how much your father has; this puts ladies off     (Bragging)

·          Smelling Bad (Mouth Odour is a No. No)

·          Don’t ask” are you a virgin?”

·         Don’t ask her how many guys she’s been with (Body Count).

·         If she’s going to pay for the movie or dinner let her know in advance (no unexpected ATM failures, I forgot my wallet at home).

·         When your phone rings on a date and you’re asked where you are? Don’t give a degrading response eg (I dey with that big ass babe, I dey with tolu big Breasts, I dey with that weekend chops I teh u about.”

·         Don’t insist on a “come to my house first date” or come to my friend’s house first date.

·         Don’t leave your date to talk to another Lady for more that 2 minutes.

·         Don’t buy her too many gifts she may think you’re trying to “buy” her.

·         If for any reason someone else needs to be in the car, don’t put her in the back seat.

·         Don‘t compare her to your Ex.

·         Don’t talk about her weight or hair in a negative way eg (some guys may say: you’re about to burst out of that dress, your hair should be due by now?)

·         After the first sex always call as a courtesy (whether the sex was good or bad).

·         Table manners (don’t make sounds with your mouth while eating, don’t talk while there’s food in your mouth, and don’t use fork & knife for ice cream).

·         Focus your eyes on her eyes, not her breast or ass. (Don’t look at any other lady asides her on a date).

·         Projecting yourself as someone you’re not (Ladies can spot fake confidence or a fake in general) don’t borrow your friend’s car and say it’s yours, don’t lie your friend’s apartment is yours).

·         Don’t be too touchy & feely on a first date.

·         Don’t be rude or nasty to the waiter or waitress to impress your date.

·         Don’t ask her for money.

 

Bonus: Don’t ask for pictures unless she offers

Do you agree?

 

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In as much as most ‘smart’ guys tend to leave no stone unturned and conceal every possible cracks when in a relationship they’ve decided not to be faithful in, deliberately or otherwise or to just benefit from the babe otherwise known as using the babe, there are still signs a ‘smart’ lady also should notice pertaining her partner. When a lady starts noticing these, she should be aware that the days of togetherness, the moments of love shared by both is numbered.

She should be calm at first to be sure of her observations not just mere guessing, later let the man realize she’s aware of the happenings, then later, open up and confront the man in a polite, peaceful but mean way.

Sudden fear: Your guy with whom you discuss your problems with, your secrets and your personal life all of a sudden stops been liberal, starts been reserved, unnecessarily quiet, starts getting shocked whenever he sees you, hears your voice or when discussing some sensitive topics with you.

Cover-ups: He starts lying to you as to cover up some shits he’s into. When you know he’s beginning to lie but keep calm pretending to believe him in order to find the smelling rat. Most of his chats with females are blank, girls you are sure he’s chatting with. He must have deleted those chats sister.

Nagging: He’s beginning to nag at you, shouting over very little issues, he’s beginning to piss you off with his recent behaviour.

Loneliness sensation: A couple in good terms with the proper communication don’t feel lonely even when alone but when a girl starts noticing she’s feeling lonely lately, then there might be fire on the mountain.

Excuses: When your man is full of excuses over little questions you asked him. Probably the reason he didn’t call, was late to pick you up and others. If you are his priority he will definitely create time for you. He’s probably up to something.

Surprise visit: He insists you call him first whenever you want to visit, giving the reason as to make sure he’s around to avoid stressing yourself. It sounds lovely but it’s also a sign he’s seeing another Eve.

Communication decline: He doesn’t reply early when chatting probably he’s got a band of ladies he needs to please, he’s beginning to snub you online. He’s lagging in the early morning call to ask how you are and late night to wish you good night rest.

Instinct: If you actually know yourself, there’s this conviction within you which lets you know your man is cheating whenever he’s doing so. This is a divine gift every lady who has time for herself should have noticed. It can’t deceive you.

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 Eli J. Eli J. Finkel, a professor at Northwestern University and the author of "The All-or-Nothing Marriage," explains three different ways you can strengthen your relationship.

 

Eli Finkel: We have arrived at a moment in history where the best marriages are better than the best marriages of earlier eras, while at the same time, the average marriages are getting a little bit worse. Historians divide marriage in America into three different eras. There's sort of, from the Colonial Era until about 1850, when we industrialized, the second era is from about 1850 to 1965 or so, and then we are currently in this third era.

 

And the first era was really about helping people achieve their basic, physiological, survival sorts of needs, things like food production, clothing, and shelter. People preferred to love their spouse, of course, but it wasn't the reason that you married and certainly, if you didn't love your spouse, that wasn't a reason to get divorced. The institution was too sacred, was too important. And so spouses were workmates, rather than soul mates.

And then if you fast-forward, in the second era, people increasingly want to marry for personal fulfilment and in particular, they want to marry for love. And for the first time ever, people start to say things like, "I'm not going to marry that person because I don't love him or her." That was a new idea.

 

And then as we fast-forward to this third era from 1965 to the present, we see that, these days, we are looking not only for love, and connection through the marriage, and sexual fulfilment, but also for these, trickier, complicated sorts of need fulfilment, self-actualization, personal growth, and a sense of vitality. And so these days, for the first time, if you can find yourself in a situation where you'd say, "Look, he's a loving man and a good father but I'm not going to live the next 30 years feeling stagnant, feeling like I can't really grow."

 

Our expectations for what we want the marriage to provide us have gotten higher in a lot of ways, more sophisticated in a number of other ways, more emotional, more psychological, and because of this additional complexity, more of our marriages are falling short, leaving us disappointed.

 

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